A Little Deer

This is so good to hear and can be applied to so much more than food. Sometimes we need a reminder to be gentle with ourselves.

Gathering the tools

 

I have not painted anything in almost a year, the last thing I sewed was a christmas present for Gabe. It's been about a year since my Etsy shop was open. Why? 

OH gosh there are so many reasons. Jealousy, depression, you name it, it all had it's part. It was so awful to see all these artists around me succeed and blowing people out of the water with their work. I felt so out of the loop. Left behind. But it wasn't them. It was me. I say that with confidence now. I wasn't working to my potential, I wasn't managing my time, I wasn't pushing myself, I was inconsistent and wishy washy. I had no confidence, no business plan. My "business" was a mess, I was a mess, and instead of doing something about it, I silently cursed these around me being successful, getting deals and shows and fancy write-ups. I lost out on so much feeling the way I was. I lost a good friendship, missed out on new connections with like minded people, turned down business deals that could have been wonderful. It has taken me the better part of a year to figure all this out.

Before I figured it out I went into hiding. Disappearing from the on-line world I had created really successfully for myself in the beginning but just lost touch with in the journey to where I found myself sitting. I know I am an artist at heart. It feels SO good to create and make pretty things out of nothing. But I couldn't feel that side of me anymore. I had tuned it out and numbed it up. I stopped reading all the blogs I used to because it hurt too much. 

 After a few months I found a few blogs that really spoke to me, how these people wrote, lived their lives, what they valued. It felt like I was coming back just to read these amazing blogs. I'm still doing a lot of self discovery and I have a few idea floating around in my head about how to approach the next path I want to be on. I plan to return to Etsy, to Flickr, to the old blog. But on my own time, in my own way. Nothing forced, totally organic. It's better that way.

I really, really want to share with you those blogs that pulled me out of the dark those many months ago:

Boho Photography

Kelly Rae

Che and Fidel

Emily Falconbridge

Little Red Caboose

Ordinary Courage

In celebration of the "journey back to me" (that's what I'm coining it) and in honor of these delicious woman bloggers I'm going to do a little give away. I have an extra copy of Brene Brown's book that I accidentally ordered two of. It's amazing and her blog is Ordinary Courage. I KNEW I kept it for a reason. To enter your name in the drawing, leave a comment about how you stay centered and balanced in your everyday life, your art, with your family, whatever. It will be nice to share some tips with each other!

On to the good stuff

 So after giving birth I gave myself about a month and a half to recover and I decided to take a big step in my life. I didn't know how big it was or how much it would change my life when I signed up, but wow. Just wow!

What the heck am I talking about?

I decided to start seeing a health counselor. Her name is Hannah and her specialty is working with busy moms and their families. She was trained here (my sister-in-law is now attending). Such a wonderful and inspiring place, seriously magical things happen there and in my sessions with Hannah. 

I decided I wanted to go because I wanted to improve how I looked and ate. I was/am so self conscious about the extra weight I have been hauling around since Gabe was born. I was just DONE being the size I was. I didn't look like me, I didn't feel like me. 

I had no idea that my meetings were going to be much more than increasing my vegetable intake and reducing sugar. Health counselors are just that, counselors and there is more to life than just food, there is also your "primary" food. The other things, like love, family, children, career, exercise. Through lots of brave and heartfelt chats I realized how unbalanced I was in almost all aspect of my life (explained why I stopped making art, stopped blogging, stopped everything). It explained so much, for so long, too long I have been unhappy but didn't even realize it. How does one do that?! 

I'll tell you how, you become complacent, you don't know that the grass is greener on the other side if you don't even know that grass exists or pretend that grass only exists for other people. Once you see it and feel it, once you know a balanced life is achievable. Everything becomes clearer and so exciting. I feel like I have just met this amazing new person I want to be friends with and it's me! 

Things that have improved since going are my weight, my patience with myself and kids and husband, my need and love for self care without feeling guilty, the ability to manifest ANYTHING for myself (seriously), improved self confidence (I have a ways to go but it's so much better), how to cope with stress more efficiently, improved communication and better marriage (like WAAAAAAY better), less bitterness about being a stay at home mom (I do have options and I have been dreaming a lot about my next steps), the ability to let go of the past and forgive (so hard for me), closer relationship with my friends and a greater sense of calm and peace.

 I'm brave and smart and I really believe I can do anything. I KNOW I sound like an infomercial but it really has changed my life and trust me when I say this....my life 8 months ago was far from desirable, I was unfulfilled, I was angry, hurt, depressed and I really resented the way my life was going. I'm so grateful to Hannah for teaching me the tools I needed to turn my life around and to make my life everything I want it to be! Thank you to David for supporting me in this adventure and to Hannah, you are one special lady and I'm so happy I found you.

brief interruption...

No real blog post today because my basement looks like this:

 

We have been having unprecedented amounts of rain this month here in little Rhody. The most in 100 years to be exact. I have been e-mailing the landlord a lot today and trying to get stuff up off the floor.

I promise a real post tomorrow....

Where to begin??

So where to begin? There is so much to share. I guess I'll start chronologically and work through the rest over this week...

Judah's Birth Story:

Oh wow was it amazing. Totally empowering and life changing and I can't wait to do it again, well I can but you know what I mean. It was totally natural and my doula was AMAZING! I highly recommend hiring one if your expecting. Judah was born 9/23/09, 10 days late and absolutely perfect.

 I stayed home for 99% of the labor, moving from the shower to the rocking chair, to a slooooowwwwww walk around the neighborhood (it was gorgeous out, I can still hear the birds singing and see the sun beginning to set) and then back into the rocking chair. After I went through transition I got the feeling it was time to go and the contractions were really intense at that point. I knew if we did'nt get in the car NOW, this baby would be born here (I so wish it could have been a home birth but the expense was too great at the time....next time though). 

The car ride there was not even 5 minutes long, thank goodness, because giving direction to David while laboring was not so fun. I waddled up to the delivery ward and 8 minutes later Judah was born. The doctors were so thrown off by how far along I was that there were running around trying to figure out what to do and attempting to get vitals on me and the baby. They insisted that my cervix be checked twice before I started to push, more than irritating I tell yah! Amongst the chaos of nurses and doctors I caught  David's eye and silently told him Judah was coming out NOW! So he scooted around to me and caught Judah while I was standing (The ONLY position that felt good at the time). The doctors weren't even looking! We had totally forgotten to call my midwife but she was there about 20 minutes after he was born. I think in total I labored for about 4 hours, not too shabby. I was having braxton hicks for a few days and I was taking some herbal remedies as well. I know I was having contractions I couldn't feel because my midwife had sent me to get a ultrasound when I was 7 days overdue and they were showing up on the monitor.

He was 9lbs even and super super calm and looked just like his daddy, as I knew he would. We only stayed at the hospital for 4 hours and then went home in the wee hours of the next morning. It was so nice to all sleep together for the first time in our own bed. It went exactly as David and I had hoped for and I got the greatest of all gifts as a reward for my hard work!

A new beginning

 

Judah, my sweet new babe born 9/23/09 (10 days late)

 Oh hello there!

Wow, It's been SUCH a long time. There was a time where I really didn't think I would be back to this spot. A lot has happened since June 2009.  A LOT. I'm a different person because of it but I feel like it more important now than ever before to have this space to share with you. I can't wait to update you all and share my new discoveries. I'm SO excited to open this space up again! 

I'll be sharing again soon! 

XO, Stephanie

P.S. WHOA! I have some serious redesigning ahead of me for this blog. I want it to look so fun and pretty and this whole new typepad is pretty overwhelming. I'll be asking for some help in a few days if I can't figure this out for mysef. Bare with my while I update everything for your viewing and reading pleasure!