A Little Deer

Make the most of your time here

After watching this I felt so deeply connected to everyone. EVERYONE here on this earth. That's so not me, I'm the girl watching everyone and keeping it all in my head. I don't think I want to be that girl anymore. I'm ready to share more. tell more and feel more out loud. 

Come join me, tell me, what did you think/feel/do after you watched this? 

O

****OH and I'll be joining the conversation now and in the future in the comment sections of this blog. It will be much easier connecting with you all here instead of e-mailing you separately. Oh and thank you all; you wonderful readers and commenter's for bestowing upon me all your amazing stories, feelings and thoughts. It feels so good.

I'm in over my head with inspiration (in a good way!)

 I'm sorry I have been so quiet over here for awhile, I promise things will pick up. Right now I'm soaking up al the yummy goodness that's going on with my two (!) e-courses, Mondo Beyondo and Taking Flight (see my sidebar on the right), both so different and alike and work perfectly together. It's keeping me very, very busy but I love this so much...my next goal after I complete these is to go and attend an artist retreat...hopefully someplace really fun (I may even have to fly there!)

 Whoo Hoo...I LOVE this dreaming thing.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

This is making the blog rounds but I though I would share for those of you who have missed it. It makes my cry in the best sort of way. 

Life. IS. Beautiful.

I have been busy being sick and making space

So I got pneumonia last week and a lovely case of sinusitis, so that's why there were no posts last week. All better now and I wanted to show off all that I have been doing...making a space for the boys to share (Gabe was so excited!). So far so good...all my fears about having them share a space haven't really come to full blown fruition., I hope I'm not jinxing myself.

I have also been on this furniture painting kick...3 pieces in the last 2 days. More to come and yes of course I'll be sharing! I think having so many half-done projects around the house have been driving me crazy. I'm on a mission to complete most tasks start to finnish before moving on to the next...it's hard not to multi task but the payoffs are HUGE. So yeah onto the pictures...

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 

Make Space

 I have a moment to myself today (bliss!), as both boys are napping! Oh how I LOVE when that happens. So with a cup of tea nearby, I'm able to let you in on my thoughts today. It's exciting stuff.

I was gently reminded by Hannah last night in our session about making space. Making space to let the universe unfold and do what it does best. 

Dreams don't happen by themselves, so I'm using my meltdown about being a stay at home mom as my catalyst to get moving on them. I begin my process of interviewing potential in-home daycare providers tomorrow so that I can get two days a week of uninterrupted creative time to get my business back up and running. I have been feeling this pull so strongly for months. There were a few things holding me back, fear of failing, leaving the boys with someone else, all sorts of what-ifs, making sure childcare wouldn't be a financial strain, as well as the logistical side of things. 

Where was I going to work? Right now my unused art supplies and sewing machine are collecting dust in a corner of Judah's nursery. I just don't have the funds for an outside studio space (yet!), so David and I finally decided to have the boys share a room, so that I can have a space to work and spread out and not worry about little hands getting into things. I was pretty apprehensive about having Judah "invade" Gabe's space, but we have always wanted them to share a room, it's plenty big and he is pretty much sleeping through the night now.  So with a deep breath and with David's help we are going to make a studio for me and a shared bedroom for the boys. 

We need to make space for our dreams, the universe will not answer our call if we don't lay the proper groundwork first. Make Space. It's my new mantra.

Community: an exercise in trust

 

I have always been one of those people who prefers to be alone, or at least I thought I did. I was always a self professed introvert who thought I was better off working alone. I'm like my four-year-old "I can do it by myself"! I find myself questioning that now...big time.

If motherhood has taught me one thing, it's that I can't do it alone. I NEED help, from my husband, my family and my friends. I have been having a really hard time managing the boys lately and have found myself falling into the worst kind of funk. The kind where you question your validity as a parent. You rip yourself to shreds thinking you are too selfish to have children because you don't always want to be here with them. You yell and scream and stamp your feet...you cry at the unfairness of it all. You mourn your old life, your child-free days where you weren't six feet under in RESPONSIBILITY. 

It can be so daunting. When I get like this I immediately want to bottle it up and shove it down deep where no one can see. It fills me with shame, embarrassment and fear. I'm learning that not only is that not good for me, but it's not good for those I am close too as well. So I did something different this time, I took a breath and tested the waters of trust. I sent out a request for help and support from my friends not really knowing what I would get in return and you know what....I was BOWLED OVER in support. My wonderful, dear, sweet friends (all of whom are mothers) jumped at the chance to lend me tidbits of advice, hugs, offers to take the kids for a bit, playdates, ect (I LOVE YOU GUYS!). They had all been where I was, or were experiencing the same thing in some capacity or another.

 It was the most amazing experience, seeing what happens when you allow yourself to trust those around you. 

A nice reward...after all the work

 David and I worked hard this weekend to make a new garden out of a pile of dirt.

 There were.so.many.rocks. There still is but at least it's manageable. 

  I wish I had a before the digging picture, the garden looks completely different than it did and I love it even more now. We still have to get some bigger shrubs and add pavers to the path as well as fill in with more flowers. You can never have enough flowers....and herbs. I'm planting those today! 

 Phew! I'm taking it easy today and I find myself staring out at the garden admiring it every time I pass by the picture window. The perfect reward.

Trying to find an upside

 As I type, I can hear a giant excavator in my front yard digging a hole to China. They have to replace an old sewer pipe that runs directly under my lovely garden. At least it used to be lovely. Right now the contents of my garden are in my very generous neighbors yards waiting to be re-planted. David and I spent so much time this spring planting new things, making a meandering rock pathway. We were so excited how all the things we put in last year were speading out. The litle crabapple was beginning to bloom. All to be dug up in a few minutes time. 

Normally I would be fuming, angry and near tears. For some reason I am feeling pretty calm. I'm trying to find a positive in all this beside just getting new plumbing and the ability to use water again in our house. I know David and I won't have the desire or the time to rebuild the garden like it used to be. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to have a fresh new design, since all that will be left of our garden is a giant pile of dirt. A clean slate.

Perhaps it will be even better than before.

Playing nice, with ourselves

 I have a very chatty inner dialog that goes on in my head each day from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Some are reminders of what needs to get done, a reaction to something, random thoughts, ideas,questions and something else a bit more, well, more sinister...it's how critical and downright nasty we can be to ourselves. We do it without even paying attention to it. I mean have you ever stopped and said what you think in your head out loud to yourself?

The only way I was able to put it into perspective and to quiet (but not stop...yet!) that voice, was to imagine speaking out loud the very things I say to myself on a daily basis, to a dear friend, my children, my spouse...anyone for that matter. Horrible right? You would never say those things, and would not be friends with someone who did. So why do we do it to ourselves, do we think we aren't worth it? It's really sad the hole we dig ourselves into. It's almost like we jump into that hole willingly and then try to pile dirt on top of ourselves, burying our true self. The one that shimmers and laughs and embraces and loves. The one who forgives and is brave beyond belief.

 So today, I ask you all to be gentle with yourself, really listen to that inner voice. I promise she does have wonderful and sweet things to say, just don't forget to put that nasty one out to pasture (at least for today).  

Finding my path ...again

 It has been hard these last few years, fumbling along with no clear direction or even an inkling of inspiration. The flood gates have certainly been opened again and I am filled with creative energy so fierce it's dizzying. I'm trying to keep steady and pace myself (so very, very hard) and I'm crazy excited about two upcoming e-courses I'm going to take, umm, simultaneously (whats that about multi-tasking).

The first is Mondo Beyondo and it's sounds so mysterious and wonderful I'm chomping at the bit to experience some serious manifesting of my dreams and goals. 

The second is Kelly Rae's class "Flying Lessons". Words do not do justice to this tour-de-force of a creative soul. I WANT TO BE HER when I grow up. She will only be offering this course now and has no idea when she will be able to host another so I jumped at the chance to hear all about how she has accomplished such amazing things in such a short period of time. If you don't know her, I highly suggest you familiarize yourself with her work. Her art, besides being totally gorgeous, has such a connective quality to it, touching people on a really deep level. Something I feel has been lacking in my most recent work...recent being umm, like 2 years ago. 

I am feeling so grateful and blessed with this inspiration coursing through my body. I'm also reading Kari Chapin's new book ( A MUST BUY) and I am devouring it. It's the perfect book for me right now. I'm all about gathering up my "tools" to start fresh again with my work.  

I used to be so afraid of change, it feels good to embrace it.

Lessons from a 4 year old

 I'm a multi-tasker. I PRIDE myself on how well I can juggle a few household tasks at once. I can figure out how to fold laundry, boil water and feed the dog as quickly as possible with as few missteps as possible. I LOVE to make lists and see how many tasks I can get done in one day. Efficiency was my friend. How can I wash diapers, clean the kitchen and feed the kids simultaneously? I'm this mom tornado on my "good" days.

Having Judah has changed so much for me. I can hardly get anything done these days it seems. He is so different from Gabe and wants to be held all the time or he will literally scream until you do pick him up. There is only so many things you can do one-handed! Can I add in that this kid is at least 20 lbs if not more? My arms ache sometimes and yes, I have tried baby wearing and we do a lot of that out and about the city but not as much in the house because it really limits my mobility to do tasks that require bending and reaching high and, well, he still cries. 

I have been reading this book and the author talks about how you really have to stop trying to be so efficient and just do one thing at a time and be present in it. Enjoy it even. I read it nodded my head saying "yup thats a great idea", but not really committing to the philosophy of it. Which brings me to the real point of my story...

The boys and I were at the library the other day to return books that I had gotten through the inter-library loan on-line (so efficient!) and Gabe wanted to go to the children's area to play and perhaps bring home a few books. I was so tired from lack of sleep I sat down in a chair to nurse Judah and told Gabe that he would have to go find books by himself. He came back with two and them decided to bring only one home. I asked "Are you sure you don't want more" and he nodded that, yes, one was all he wanted. It seemed like such a waste to go to the library for only one book but off we went to the checkout desk. On the way out to the car the gears started turning in my brain and I had an "aha" moment.

One thing at a time IS a good thing. Gabe wanted to enjoy this book without any pressure to read any others during his time with it. It wasn't about trying to read as many books as he could in his allotted time. These confines that we put ourselves in as adults everyday with almost everything we do didn't apply to him. It was beautiful. Lesson learned...from a 4 year old. 

 Since then I have really been trying to take what I read in the book to heart and accomplish only one thing at a time. Do it until it's complete before rushing off to the next thing or stopping in the middle to do something else. This all happened last week and I'm happy to report that I have actually been accomplishing more and my house does seem a bit more organized with less half finished tasks starting me in the face. My head isn't spinning from my very often dizzying list of to-do's. 

Thank you Janet Luhrs and thank you Gabe.

One of those days...

 

I have had a pretty magical day filled with peacocks, rainbows and a $7 sex-pot skirt. Hope yours has been just as good!