A Little Deer

Make Space

 I have a moment to myself today (bliss!), as both boys are napping! Oh how I LOVE when that happens. So with a cup of tea nearby, I'm able to let you in on my thoughts today. It's exciting stuff.

I was gently reminded by Hannah last night in our session about making space. Making space to let the universe unfold and do what it does best. 

Dreams don't happen by themselves, so I'm using my meltdown about being a stay at home mom as my catalyst to get moving on them. I begin my process of interviewing potential in-home daycare providers tomorrow so that I can get two days a week of uninterrupted creative time to get my business back up and running. I have been feeling this pull so strongly for months. There were a few things holding me back, fear of failing, leaving the boys with someone else, all sorts of what-ifs, making sure childcare wouldn't be a financial strain, as well as the logistical side of things. 

Where was I going to work? Right now my unused art supplies and sewing machine are collecting dust in a corner of Judah's nursery. I just don't have the funds for an outside studio space (yet!), so David and I finally decided to have the boys share a room, so that I can have a space to work and spread out and not worry about little hands getting into things. I was pretty apprehensive about having Judah "invade" Gabe's space, but we have always wanted them to share a room, it's plenty big and he is pretty much sleeping through the night now.  So with a deep breath and with David's help we are going to make a studio for me and a shared bedroom for the boys. 

We need to make space for our dreams, the universe will not answer our call if we don't lay the proper groundwork first. Make Space. It's my new mantra.

Community: an exercise in trust

 

I have always been one of those people who prefers to be alone, or at least I thought I did. I was always a self professed introvert who thought I was better off working alone. I'm like my four-year-old "I can do it by myself"! I find myself questioning that now...big time.

If motherhood has taught me one thing, it's that I can't do it alone. I NEED help, from my husband, my family and my friends. I have been having a really hard time managing the boys lately and have found myself falling into the worst kind of funk. The kind where you question your validity as a parent. You rip yourself to shreds thinking you are too selfish to have children because you don't always want to be here with them. You yell and scream and stamp your feet...you cry at the unfairness of it all. You mourn your old life, your child-free days where you weren't six feet under in RESPONSIBILITY. 

It can be so daunting. When I get like this I immediately want to bottle it up and shove it down deep where no one can see. It fills me with shame, embarrassment and fear. I'm learning that not only is that not good for me, but it's not good for those I am close too as well. So I did something different this time, I took a breath and tested the waters of trust. I sent out a request for help and support from my friends not really knowing what I would get in return and you know what....I was BOWLED OVER in support. My wonderful, dear, sweet friends (all of whom are mothers) jumped at the chance to lend me tidbits of advice, hugs, offers to take the kids for a bit, playdates, ect (I LOVE YOU GUYS!). They had all been where I was, or were experiencing the same thing in some capacity or another.

 It was the most amazing experience, seeing what happens when you allow yourself to trust those around you. 

Lessons from a 4 year old

 I'm a multi-tasker. I PRIDE myself on how well I can juggle a few household tasks at once. I can figure out how to fold laundry, boil water and feed the dog as quickly as possible with as few missteps as possible. I LOVE to make lists and see how many tasks I can get done in one day. Efficiency was my friend. How can I wash diapers, clean the kitchen and feed the kids simultaneously? I'm this mom tornado on my "good" days.

Having Judah has changed so much for me. I can hardly get anything done these days it seems. He is so different from Gabe and wants to be held all the time or he will literally scream until you do pick him up. There is only so many things you can do one-handed! Can I add in that this kid is at least 20 lbs if not more? My arms ache sometimes and yes, I have tried baby wearing and we do a lot of that out and about the city but not as much in the house because it really limits my mobility to do tasks that require bending and reaching high and, well, he still cries. 

I have been reading this book and the author talks about how you really have to stop trying to be so efficient and just do one thing at a time and be present in it. Enjoy it even. I read it nodded my head saying "yup thats a great idea", but not really committing to the philosophy of it. Which brings me to the real point of my story...

The boys and I were at the library the other day to return books that I had gotten through the inter-library loan on-line (so efficient!) and Gabe wanted to go to the children's area to play and perhaps bring home a few books. I was so tired from lack of sleep I sat down in a chair to nurse Judah and told Gabe that he would have to go find books by himself. He came back with two and them decided to bring only one home. I asked "Are you sure you don't want more" and he nodded that, yes, one was all he wanted. It seemed like such a waste to go to the library for only one book but off we went to the checkout desk. On the way out to the car the gears started turning in my brain and I had an "aha" moment.

One thing at a time IS a good thing. Gabe wanted to enjoy this book without any pressure to read any others during his time with it. It wasn't about trying to read as many books as he could in his allotted time. These confines that we put ourselves in as adults everyday with almost everything we do didn't apply to him. It was beautiful. Lesson learned...from a 4 year old. 

 Since then I have really been trying to take what I read in the book to heart and accomplish only one thing at a time. Do it until it's complete before rushing off to the next thing or stopping in the middle to do something else. This all happened last week and I'm happy to report that I have actually been accomplishing more and my house does seem a bit more organized with less half finished tasks starting me in the face. My head isn't spinning from my very often dizzying list of to-do's. 

Thank you Janet Luhrs and thank you Gabe.

Going it alone....

 

Going it alone is HARD. David was away on business for most of last week and I had the boys from sun up till sundown everyday and I was exhausted when he got back Friday afternoon! We welcomed him home with a homemade banner, hugs and kisses and lots of decorations!

 Our weekend wasn't really all the restful between the whining (Gabe's), teething (Judah) and a nasty cold (David).  We did sneak away on Saturday night to celebrate our anniversary (6 years!), we went to our favorite place, the food was so yummy and so was the wine. On Monday David had to have a colonoscopy (he's young but has ulcerative colitis, so need to be checked regularly every year) and when he came home he slept most of the day. I . WAS . SO. TIRED. I don't know how you single moms do it!

I'm happy to report my energy is back and I'll be posting regularly the rest of the week!

My kind of meditation

 So today as I was dropping Gabe off at preschool I got a surprise. Today is David's helping day. SURPRISE! Not really a surprise, just me messing up the dates. I guess we are helping day wasn't the 29th. SHIT. OK.

 The teachers are awesome so I dropped Gabe and ran to the grocery store for bananas (Gabe's favorite). Helping parents are in charge of snack too. I called David and told him what happened. This is how great he is....he left work and came in his suit to be helping parent. I would have stayed but having Judah on my hip while wrangling 4 year olds is kinda tough. I thought I could do it but he insisted he come anyway. So we shared the helping parent duty to the delight of Gabe, me the first 30 minutes, him the next 2 hours and them I relieved him 30 minutes before the end. I went grocery shopping while David was being my hero. We haven't done a big shop in weeks and we just redid our budget and planning our meals is vital to staying on track. It's just to hard to haul both kids along so I took full advantage of only having one along for the ride.

So after a hectic start, I fed the kids and put them down to nap. It was my time to meditate, Stephanie style. I started a homemade chicken stock, I boiled potatoes, I made four kinds of baby food, I planned out the rest of dinner. Being in the kitchen just chopping and blending away in peace is a glorious thing. It's also fun for me to "get stuff done". See my last post for details.

Happy Tuesday!

And then I melted...

 
Judah, in between crying fits 

Yesterday was rough. Judah is teething and he cries a lot. He wants to be held ALL DAY LONG. Gabe is having a tough time watching him get all the "attention". I really feel for him. 

I cleaned house, did laundry, ran boring errands, went to the library. It was go go go all day. I was so proud of myself at all I accomplished.

When David came home I had the brilliant idea to go out to the middle eastern place for take out and then go to the park with the boys and have a little picnic. I hurried everyone out the door a bit too gruffly and was really anxious to get out of the house and just relax. I wanted to feel the last bits of the warm day while eating hummus and gyro and watching Gabe play politely with other children. I even thought to call ahead for the food. I was on a roll. 

So we get to the park, it was starting to get windy and cold and I hadn't brought a coat or sweater. Judah was beginning to get cranky. I open my falafel plate, and to my dismay there were no sauces on my falafel. No zippy hot sauce. No garlicky tahini, no hummus. I had a hissy fit. I was so mad. Then Judah started to fuss...loudly . His wines and grunts felt like someone was taking a cheese grater to me ears. I was done. David tried to be helpful with offers to hold Judah or go back and fix the food order. I instead chose to act like a four year old and silently pout and fume while refusing ALL help from David. Then I melted, I cried and blubbered and sniffed my running nose. I FELL APART. David consoled me and offered suggestions. He was wonderful. I was miserable. We ended up leaving early and  going back to fix the food order. I got my sauces. 

Now I'm sure all of you know that I didn't freak out because of the sauces. I freaked out because I did too much. I ignored myself all day long. I just pushed on through. Sometimes I just NEED to get stuff done. I want it all, clean house, clean laundry, happy kids, yummy dinner, ect. If you are that person too then we need to remind ourselves that these meltdowns are preventable most of the time. It all comes back to self care. Did I have time for a little silence during the day...no but I could have asked David when he came home to have 30 minutes to myself to nap or read or do whatever tat was relaxing that has nothing to do with the kids. I could feel tight in the chest I was so frayed that when David came home I was a total mess. I know better than to do something even more potentially stressful that I think everyone else will love and ignore that feeling. I need to remember that when I feel like this I just need to stop...breath and ask myself what I really need to do so that I feel better. I guarantee it's not going to be "throw another load of laundry in". 

What no-one told me...and what you can do about it

 

There are a lot of things no one told me about motherhood like, 

• You won't know the meaning of tired until you have your first baby
• your boobs will NEVER look the same
• no amount of cocoa butter will make those stretch marks disappear completely
• going to the bathroom without an audience is a rare occurrence
• Showering without "company" is few and far between
• You will never be on time for anything again
• your kids think you are a walking encyclopedia at all times of the day
• you will learn to fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow at the end of the day
• The phrase "the laundry is done" no longer applies to you

On a more serious note there are a few other things that can happen too (it did to me!)

• You change your name to "Mom" and forget who  iinsert  your  name  here  is 
• You might lose your spontaneity ("must plan everything...")
• Your relationship with you partner might suffer
• You might forget what makes YOU happy
• You might forget to wear what makes you feel beautiful

The good new is that if any of this sounds familiar you CAN change it!

Here are a few things that are working for me and my family.

• Take back your bedroom, no kids toys and clothes allowed. Try to keep the folded clothes piles and stacks of papers to a minimum. You deserve to have (a least) one room in the house just for you (and your partner). I look at our bedroom as a sensual retreat, fresh flowers and a yummy smelly candle can be all it takes.
• Give you and your partner at least one hour of kid free time to just chat about your day, something you saw, read or heard that interested you, BEFORE you go to the bedroom. Falling asleep while the other one is talking isn't fair to either of you.
•  Also try to plan for serious conversation or confrontation (not always possible). Sometimes it takes the stress out a little bit if you know a certain conversation is coming up at say 8pm on Thursday.
• Get dressed, no like REALLY dressed. Like you used to before kids, even if you don't think anyone is looking. Get a few new tops (CUTE ONES, not just functional) to wear with your jeans. Don't forget the earrings. I swear by earrings. I also swear by flowy, long scarves. You deserve to look beautiful NOW, not 10, 20, 30 or even 40lbs from now. You will feel sooo good and people will pick up on that.
• Remember what inspired you and made you feel like you. Was is cooking something fancy, camping, art, writing, walks in the park, meditating, some sort of sport? Make time for it...now.
• Take one weekend day and DON"T plan it. Just see what happens, take a drive and see where you all end up.
• FInd a hobby not tied to your kids, try something new. Rock climbing always sounded fun to you?Piano lessons you always wanted as a kid? Do it!
• Plan a girls night out at least once a month. It's so nice to chat with your girls about anything you want for as late as you want. It's also a great excuse to try that new martini bar or fabulous restaurant that uses local ingredients. Don't forget to dress up!

That's all I got right now and I have to go see about a little someone who shall remain nameless, who is refusing to nap. Oh and if you have some tips of your own leave a comment, I'm sure all of us would love to hear!

Now go start NOT planning your weekend!