A Little Deer

Make the most of your time here

After watching this I felt so deeply connected to everyone. EVERYONE here on this earth. That's so not me, I'm the girl watching everyone and keeping it all in my head. I don't think I want to be that girl anymore. I'm ready to share more. tell more and feel more out loud. 

Come join me, tell me, what did you think/feel/do after you watched this? 

O

****OH and I'll be joining the conversation now and in the future in the comment sections of this blog. It will be much easier connecting with you all here instead of e-mailing you separately. Oh and thank you all; you wonderful readers and commenter's for bestowing upon me all your amazing stories, feelings and thoughts. It feels so good.

Playing nice, with ourselves

 I have a very chatty inner dialog that goes on in my head each day from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Some are reminders of what needs to get done, a reaction to something, random thoughts, ideas,questions and something else a bit more, well, more sinister...it's how critical and downright nasty we can be to ourselves. We do it without even paying attention to it. I mean have you ever stopped and said what you think in your head out loud to yourself?

The only way I was able to put it into perspective and to quiet (but not stop...yet!) that voice, was to imagine speaking out loud the very things I say to myself on a daily basis, to a dear friend, my children, my spouse...anyone for that matter. Horrible right? You would never say those things, and would not be friends with someone who did. So why do we do it to ourselves, do we think we aren't worth it? It's really sad the hole we dig ourselves into. It's almost like we jump into that hole willingly and then try to pile dirt on top of ourselves, burying our true self. The one that shimmers and laughs and embraces and loves. The one who forgives and is brave beyond belief.

 So today, I ask you all to be gentle with yourself, really listen to that inner voice. I promise she does have wonderful and sweet things to say, just don't forget to put that nasty one out to pasture (at least for today).  

Finding my path ...again

 It has been hard these last few years, fumbling along with no clear direction or even an inkling of inspiration. The flood gates have certainly been opened again and I am filled with creative energy so fierce it's dizzying. I'm trying to keep steady and pace myself (so very, very hard) and I'm crazy excited about two upcoming e-courses I'm going to take, umm, simultaneously (whats that about multi-tasking).

The first is Mondo Beyondo and it's sounds so mysterious and wonderful I'm chomping at the bit to experience some serious manifesting of my dreams and goals. 

The second is Kelly Rae's class "Flying Lessons". Words do not do justice to this tour-de-force of a creative soul. I WANT TO BE HER when I grow up. She will only be offering this course now and has no idea when she will be able to host another so I jumped at the chance to hear all about how she has accomplished such amazing things in such a short period of time. If you don't know her, I highly suggest you familiarize yourself with her work. Her art, besides being totally gorgeous, has such a connective quality to it, touching people on a really deep level. Something I feel has been lacking in my most recent work...recent being umm, like 2 years ago. 

I am feeling so grateful and blessed with this inspiration coursing through my body. I'm also reading Kari Chapin's new book ( A MUST BUY) and I am devouring it. It's the perfect book for me right now. I'm all about gathering up my "tools" to start fresh again with my work.  

I used to be so afraid of change, it feels good to embrace it.

One of those days...

 

I have had a pretty magical day filled with peacocks, rainbows and a $7 sex-pot skirt. Hope yours has been just as good!

 
 

things get hectic...

  Have I told you I get overwhelmed easily? I have been getting the most beautiful comments and e-mails and it makes me feel so good inside. I'm actually overwhelmed at the wonderful stories and words and I'm kinda freaked out I may not respond well enough to each of you. So I have been avoiding my e-mail. I'm hoping to get out of this weird space soon and really open my heart to those of you I have not gotten back to yet. Please accept my deepest apologies.

I'll be back on Thursday with a vlog if I can manage to figure out how to do it!

And then I melted...

 
Judah, in between crying fits 

Yesterday was rough. Judah is teething and he cries a lot. He wants to be held ALL DAY LONG. Gabe is having a tough time watching him get all the "attention". I really feel for him. 

I cleaned house, did laundry, ran boring errands, went to the library. It was go go go all day. I was so proud of myself at all I accomplished.

When David came home I had the brilliant idea to go out to the middle eastern place for take out and then go to the park with the boys and have a little picnic. I hurried everyone out the door a bit too gruffly and was really anxious to get out of the house and just relax. I wanted to feel the last bits of the warm day while eating hummus and gyro and watching Gabe play politely with other children. I even thought to call ahead for the food. I was on a roll. 

So we get to the park, it was starting to get windy and cold and I hadn't brought a coat or sweater. Judah was beginning to get cranky. I open my falafel plate, and to my dismay there were no sauces on my falafel. No zippy hot sauce. No garlicky tahini, no hummus. I had a hissy fit. I was so mad. Then Judah started to fuss...loudly . His wines and grunts felt like someone was taking a cheese grater to me ears. I was done. David tried to be helpful with offers to hold Judah or go back and fix the food order. I instead chose to act like a four year old and silently pout and fume while refusing ALL help from David. Then I melted, I cried and blubbered and sniffed my running nose. I FELL APART. David consoled me and offered suggestions. He was wonderful. I was miserable. We ended up leaving early and  going back to fix the food order. I got my sauces. 

Now I'm sure all of you know that I didn't freak out because of the sauces. I freaked out because I did too much. I ignored myself all day long. I just pushed on through. Sometimes I just NEED to get stuff done. I want it all, clean house, clean laundry, happy kids, yummy dinner, ect. If you are that person too then we need to remind ourselves that these meltdowns are preventable most of the time. It all comes back to self care. Did I have time for a little silence during the day...no but I could have asked David when he came home to have 30 minutes to myself to nap or read or do whatever tat was relaxing that has nothing to do with the kids. I could feel tight in the chest I was so frayed that when David came home I was a total mess. I know better than to do something even more potentially stressful that I think everyone else will love and ignore that feeling. I need to remember that when I feel like this I just need to stop...breath and ask myself what I really need to do so that I feel better. I guarantee it's not going to be "throw another load of laundry in". 

On to the good stuff

 So after giving birth I gave myself about a month and a half to recover and I decided to take a big step in my life. I didn't know how big it was or how much it would change my life when I signed up, but wow. Just wow!

What the heck am I talking about?

I decided to start seeing a health counselor. Her name is Hannah and her specialty is working with busy moms and their families. She was trained here (my sister-in-law is now attending). Such a wonderful and inspiring place, seriously magical things happen there and in my sessions with Hannah. 

I decided I wanted to go because I wanted to improve how I looked and ate. I was/am so self conscious about the extra weight I have been hauling around since Gabe was born. I was just DONE being the size I was. I didn't look like me, I didn't feel like me. 

I had no idea that my meetings were going to be much more than increasing my vegetable intake and reducing sugar. Health counselors are just that, counselors and there is more to life than just food, there is also your "primary" food. The other things, like love, family, children, career, exercise. Through lots of brave and heartfelt chats I realized how unbalanced I was in almost all aspect of my life (explained why I stopped making art, stopped blogging, stopped everything). It explained so much, for so long, too long I have been unhappy but didn't even realize it. How does one do that?! 

I'll tell you how, you become complacent, you don't know that the grass is greener on the other side if you don't even know that grass exists or pretend that grass only exists for other people. Once you see it and feel it, once you know a balanced life is achievable. Everything becomes clearer and so exciting. I feel like I have just met this amazing new person I want to be friends with and it's me! 

Things that have improved since going are my weight, my patience with myself and kids and husband, my need and love for self care without feeling guilty, the ability to manifest ANYTHING for myself (seriously), improved self confidence (I have a ways to go but it's so much better), how to cope with stress more efficiently, improved communication and better marriage (like WAAAAAAY better), less bitterness about being a stay at home mom (I do have options and I have been dreaming a lot about my next steps), the ability to let go of the past and forgive (so hard for me), closer relationship with my friends and a greater sense of calm and peace.

 I'm brave and smart and I really believe I can do anything. I KNOW I sound like an infomercial but it really has changed my life and trust me when I say this....my life 8 months ago was far from desirable, I was unfulfilled, I was angry, hurt, depressed and I really resented the way my life was going. I'm so grateful to Hannah for teaching me the tools I needed to turn my life around and to make my life everything I want it to be! Thank you to David for supporting me in this adventure and to Hannah, you are one special lady and I'm so happy I found you.

Where to begin??

So where to begin? There is so much to share. I guess I'll start chronologically and work through the rest over this week...

Judah's Birth Story:

Oh wow was it amazing. Totally empowering and life changing and I can't wait to do it again, well I can but you know what I mean. It was totally natural and my doula was AMAZING! I highly recommend hiring one if your expecting. Judah was born 9/23/09, 10 days late and absolutely perfect.

 I stayed home for 99% of the labor, moving from the shower to the rocking chair, to a slooooowwwwww walk around the neighborhood (it was gorgeous out, I can still hear the birds singing and see the sun beginning to set) and then back into the rocking chair. After I went through transition I got the feeling it was time to go and the contractions were really intense at that point. I knew if we did'nt get in the car NOW, this baby would be born here (I so wish it could have been a home birth but the expense was too great at the time....next time though). 

The car ride there was not even 5 minutes long, thank goodness, because giving direction to David while laboring was not so fun. I waddled up to the delivery ward and 8 minutes later Judah was born. The doctors were so thrown off by how far along I was that there were running around trying to figure out what to do and attempting to get vitals on me and the baby. They insisted that my cervix be checked twice before I started to push, more than irritating I tell yah! Amongst the chaos of nurses and doctors I caught  David's eye and silently told him Judah was coming out NOW! So he scooted around to me and caught Judah while I was standing (The ONLY position that felt good at the time). The doctors weren't even looking! We had totally forgotten to call my midwife but she was there about 20 minutes after he was born. I think in total I labored for about 4 hours, not too shabby. I was having braxton hicks for a few days and I was taking some herbal remedies as well. I know I was having contractions I couldn't feel because my midwife had sent me to get a ultrasound when I was 7 days overdue and they were showing up on the monitor.

He was 9lbs even and super super calm and looked just like his daddy, as I knew he would. We only stayed at the hospital for 4 hours and then went home in the wee hours of the next morning. It was so nice to all sleep together for the first time in our own bed. It went exactly as David and I had hoped for and I got the greatest of all gifts as a reward for my hard work!

We are back!

St Lucia was great....

I'm finding it SO hard to get back to real life. Hopefully I will pull myself together over the weekend!

Belly update!

almost 6 months!